One Day These Boots Wont be so Little

Those adorable little Sketcher boots my son just adores. He wears them every day. One day they will be as big as his Daddy's and while his pairs gradually get bigger my heart gradually hurts more. When we first bought them he was so excited they we "da da boo" now they are his "work boots" In a mere 6 months he went from one syllable words that pretty much noone could understand to little sentences I adore listening to. He will out grow these boots this year and ofcourse he will get another pair but with that new pair of boots comes a new boy, a bigger boy, a less dependent boy. A boy drifting farther and farther apart from him Momma. Away from the one person who would lay down her own life to protect his, the one person who prays so hard for him every single day, the person whose heart just hurts knowing he will not need me one day as he does now. I think I will shove his little feet in these boots for as long as I can as that is one more day I get with my little boy.

Queen of Half Assing Everything

Everything, except for work. I do not half ass my effort I put into being successful in my career. Everything else is just that, half ass.That is me! Everything I aspire to do is done half ass! I do not plan on  failing pretty much everything I start it just happens. I have beat myself up so badly these last few months on pretty much what a failure I think I am. I know people are extremely proud of me and some people just don't understand how I do what I do and all of that is great to know and makes me feel good. But, I am on a mission to be proud of myself! I am on a mission to feel great about myself. With this mission comes goals. Here are my top 3.

1. To be a better Mom. I know it is nearly impossible to love my kids more than I do but to my surprise I will wake up tomorrow as I do every day and love them more. Being a better mom is something high on my list, at the top actually. To achieve this, I will aim at not losing my patience, not rushing the kids to get things done, not allowing them to see my tears of frustration, exhaustion, or anger.

2. To deal with my anxiety without meds or self medication. I will be the first to tell you I am high strung. Like very high strung. I like to have plans and I like when they happen as planned I do not like when things happen that send me or my family on a detour. As I am typing this, I am realizing do I not like Life?? Ofcourse not, I love life so why do I get so annoyed when shit happens, when life happens. My goal is to go with the fucking flow.

3. To take care of myself. I have let myself go. I am 32, feel like I am in my 40s, have bags under my eyes that belong on a much older person. I must take care of myself to achieve my mid 30s goal, to be a MILF.

Here is a video I made and posted on Youtube quite some time ago and never shared with a soul. Until now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9-TjpUv_vQ

Don't Forget To Remember Me

It's 75 degrees and sunny outside I'm in an awesome mood. I was able to leave for a few hours without the kids. So, yes, I am on a vacation! A vacation to the grocery store and the gas station. Ahhhhhhhh, it's amazing. As I'm crusing down a side road with all windows down I hear "don't forget to remember me" by Carrie Underwood. Now I sit in the parking lot searching for unused napkins in my messy momobile (you know that super messy car/van/suv that transfers your rugrats) balling my eyes out. It just hit me. Like a ton of bricks, like a knife in my back, the hardest punch in my my gut;  my babies might want to leave me one day. Wait, what, NO.

They can't leave me. My sweet babies. The only true, unconditional, the kind I never knew existed till I birthed them, love I've ever known. What if she wants to leave after high school? What if she wants to explore the "world"? What if? I can't handle this, I can't. Ofcourse as a Mom, I want her to experience amazing things, people, and places. But in the same song and dance I breathe, I want to be by their side as they "spread their wings and fly"? She can spread her wings and fly right here in shitty Cleveland ohio. Ok, it's really not that shitty. But the weather is far from ideal for more than half of the year.

I'd like to think the time for them to leave our home, that we all occupy together as a family will never come, but it will. Sure, in what seems like a long time, 13 years but that time will be here before I know it. 😥

Let Them Be Little

It took me almost 5 years to realize that it's ok to "let" your kids wear what they want (within reason), wheather that be mismatch socks or vertical stripped pants with a horizontal stripped shirt accompanied with a polka-dot headband. It took me almost five years to "let" my kids get dirty. I spent four years chasing my daughter around with antibacterial wipes or regular wipes wiping off her face, hands, and shoes. I carried a stain remover pen in my purse! How much time did I steal from her childhood??? I just came upstairs from doing my 7th load of laundry this week and I was spraying a bottle of shout all over my 14 month old's clothes. Those stains mean something. They really do. Just like a scar, it means something. Scars usually carry a taunting memory, but nonetheless it's a memory and made you who you are. Stains symbolize fun. Those mud stains in my son's shirt made me cringe as they were happening but today they made me smile. Thinking of the smile that was on his face and the laughter that came from his tiny body made that stain ok! The pair of pants that had cheesy stains from when I let him try cheese puffs without wiping his hand after everyone, those meant something. I remember him looking at me and saying uh-oh his interpretation of "no" poor kid thinks he can't get dirty. My new outlook on this is that it's ok and encouraged to let them get as dirty as they want, we are making memories. Memories to last a lifetime.

Last Year's Reflection on Motherhood

I had a blog at one point, my last post was August 2014. That is pretty pathetic. I decided I wanted to start blogging again. Since my old blog was deleted, I made this one. I WILL KEEP THIS ACTIVE. Writing is therapy for me. And I NEED THERAPY :-) lots of it.

I copied this blog post off of my original blog spot. www.lifeisablessing01.blogspot.com

This was the last blog post I wrote. SO much has happened since and I can not wait to write it all down and share it.

Disclaimer: I am an Accounting Major not an English Major. I use poor punctuation at times and can't spell all that great.

I  was sitting outside last night reflecting on what my life was like five years ago. Before I was a mom, my house was cleaned. All.The.Time. Well actually my apartment was. I lived in an apartment which was so convenient I never had to worry about maintenance, ever. Before I was a mom, I had no alarm clock on the weekends, I woke up whenever the hell I wanted, every weekend. I went out late on the weekends and had no one to worry about and no one to answer to, I thought I was living the life. Before I was a mom, my greatest worry was money or anything I wanted to worry about I didn't NEED to worry about anything. I chose my worries. Before I was a mom id open up my neatly organized drawers and cupboards in my kitchen and it was all my stuff. Before I was a mom, I only had to worry about what I wanted for meals, if I wanted extra hot wings that's what I got if I wanted to drink beer for dinner that's what I did. Before I was a mom I could go anywhere after work that I chose to go, anywhere. I could go anywhere all the time.

This morning I opened up a cupboard and boom! All my daughters cups; all 50 of her cups and mismatched lids fell. Who the hell needs 50 cups. She does. My house is not cleaned, ever. Maybe a room is for a few minutes. I now have a house that I had to make into a comfy cozy home for my family. A house with never ending repairs and bills and more bills and just when there is an end in sight, more bills. Now that I am a mom no need to set an alarm clock I am up with the sun, usually before. I am up often in the middle of the night because one of my kids need me or I am up because it's just too quite and I lay my hand on their chests to make sure all is ok, that's just what I do and how I roll. 8 hours of sleep is not an option anymore, hell four hours of straight sleep isn't an option anymore. Now that's I'm a mom I don't go out, I can't go out on the weekends  and that's fine. Now that I'm a mom I worry all of time, are they too hot, too cold, not feeling well, hungry, sad, are they ok, will they be ok. Do I teach them this or that, how do I explain this how do I explain that? How can I shelter them forever and ever and not let them see the evil that is in this world? I worry all the time, it's never ending. Don't run so fast, be careful, please be careful, no really PLEASE be careful. Now that I'm a mom I have to make sure I nourish my children with the right foods that they need to grow healthy, I have to cook and clean and cook some
more and then clean more and clean some more.  Now that I'm a mom I race home after to work to hug my babies and hear about their day.

Now that I'm a mom, my life has changed like I never imagined. It's tough stuff. It's never ending worrying , cleaning, organizing, cooking; but most importantly it's never ending love. A type of love I never knew existed. A type of love worth all the tears and sweat that leave my body on a daily basis. To hear my daughter get so excited to see me every single day when I come home from an exhausting day, nothing else in this world matters, nothing. As my daughter starts preschool this year all my worries are intensified but it will be worth it I know it will be. To see her learn and mature in ways and situations I can't provide for her, it will be worth it. To see my children grow, these are miracles I created and miracles I am raising. I will take a dirty house, unorganized cupboards, endless laundry, pure exhaustion, intense worries, tons of tears all for being a mommy. It's all worth it.